Being The Other Woman: Let's Talk

Do You Really Want A Married Man Who Cheats?

Sometimes, when I read posts from women who are pleading for answers on how to get a married man to leave his wife, I actually wonder if it is really a good thing to end up with someone who is cheating on his spouse. If you are having an affair with a married man and he has kept it hidden from his wife, he is essentially cheating and being sneaky.

Whatever justifications there may be for having an affair, it is hard to defend an act of deception. For a man to cheat on his wife, he needs to tell continuous lies. He needs to lie in order to be with you. He needs to tell his wife untruths or half-truths to explain his time away from home. He needs to cover up his tracks.

Just think of the extent of lies and deception that a man needs to go to in order to carry on an affair. Shouldn't you have doubts with such a person? How comfortable and trusting can you get with such a character?

If a man can lie to and cheat on his wife for months, what makes you think he will be faithful to you in the event that he is yours eventually?

Accepting That You Are The Other Woman

I think one of the reasons why women who have affairs with married men are in so much pain is because they expect or want the men to leave their families for them. But from what I have observed from people around me and discussions on the internet, the percentage of men who actually leave their wives and kids to be with the other woman is pretty low.

In other words, you are probably better off not having the expectation that your married man will choose you over his wife if you decide to continue on with such a relationship. The reason being the fairy tale ending that you want is most probably not going to come true.

If you want to be truly happy (which I don't know whether it's possible) or at least happier, in a relationship with a married man, then I would think accepting the fact that you are and will always be the other woman will somehow make things a little easier, especially if you know he is never going to leave his wife for you. It is a hard fact that you will have to accept if you can't give up on the relationship.

I know of women who have stayed with married men for over 20 years. These men just refuse to leave their wives and the latter have also accepted their husbands' infidelity. So, where does that leave them? Most probably, as the other woman for the rest of their lives.

So, think about it. If you are currently in love with a married man and he refuses to leave his family for you, you could well be stuck in such a relationship for years. Imagine expecting him to leave and wanting him all for yourself for years and years. How painful can that be? Would it then be better if you accept that you are the other woman (if you want to continue the relationship) and stop setting yourself up for disappointment year in and year out?

How The Wife Feels

For this post, I just like to know do you ever give a thought to how the wife might feel if you are currently having an affair with a married man? Being women, I think all of us would not want our men to cheat. It would be devastating.

No matter how bad a marriage might have become, I believe it will still be hard for a wife to accept and deal with a cheating husband. You may think the wife doesn't care or she deserves it, but if you have not had the chance to talk to her, how do you know that she is not hurting inside?

No wife would want to share her man, if given a choice. A friend of mine discovered her husband was cheating on her for nearly two years and I personally saw how she suffered. Her husband's reason for having an affair is because he felt neglected as all her time was taken up by the kids and he needed someone to talk to.

To the other woman, this is one unhappy married man who is neglected by his wife. From her point of view, she didn't take care of her husband and saw to his needs. If it isn't her, there would be some other woman to tempt him.

You can think that way and also feel that the wife deserves it in your situation. But behind all her shortcomings and perhaps, a lousy marriage, the wife too has feelings hidden that you may not be aware of. For my friend, she felt pain, disappointment, bitterness, hope, fear and a range of other emotions after she found out about her husband's affair. The wife, is after all, only human just like you.

Being With A Married Man Is Wrong

In life, what is wrong is wrong. The problem with us is we tend to rationalize our mistakes and actions to make ourselves feel better. If you are having an affair with a married man, it is wrong. And I think you know it is wrong. Otherwise, you won't feel so much guilt, confusion and unhappiness.

But in order to be able to sleep better at night, you tell yourself that your situation is unique. You blame the wife whom you think is the cause of the problem in his marriage. The wife is at fault for making him unhappy and reaching out to you. A happily married man doesn't cheat. Only an unhappy one does.

True, but when you rationalize in that manner, you are making it tougher to break away. When you don't see yourself as being in the wrong (most of us don't like to do so), indirectly, you create more reasons to stay.

To make a morally right decision, you need to face the truth and know what is right and wrong. Being with a married man cannot be right unless you don't believe in the institution of marriage. Marriage is also about commitment and responsibility apart from mutual respect and love. If a marriage falters, it is the duty of both partners to make it right, and not cheat to escape the unpleasantness.

I think if you can truly believe that being with a married man is wrong and what you are doing right now is wrong, then it will be easier to walk away. Your conscience will guide you to make the morally right choice to stay away.

Why Would You Continue To Be The Other Woman?

From what I have gathered from the various comments and posts in my other blog and forum, most women who have an affair with a married man know that it is wrong. Some also know that there is no future that they can see with these men.

Yet, I have to say that I'm perplexed about why women still want to hang on to a married man when it gives them so much pain. Even if there is genuine love in that kind of relationship, it cannot be a good thing if it causes long-term pain and uncertainties. It makes no sense to continue a relationship that is simply reduced to some stolen moments. The majority of the time you are on your own to languish in your own misery and cope with all the difficulties.

Maybe breaking up is harder and more painful than continuing on with the affair. But breaking up frees you to chart your own path for the future. Once you overcome the pain of the breakup, you are free to begin another relationship that offers a real chance at normalcy and happiness.

On the other hand, if you latch on to a married man, your future is dependent on the actions of someone else. You will have to pester, cajole, encourage and wait for him to leave his wife, unless you are contented with being the other woman for the rest of your life.

I think most other women know this. The question then is why do you still do it? Why leave your fate in the hands of someone who is married? Why continue an affair which is causing you much more pain than happiness?

Not Judging The Other Woman

Maybe I should explain why I have learned not to judge the other woman. I'm not defending the action of having an affair with a married man, but I also don't believe that all women who do that are inherently evil or bad.

Take the case of my ex-boss, for instance. The other woman in his life was actually abandoned by her husband. Divorced her and left her alone with the kids. She was deeply unhappy and her performance at work got affected. On top of that, she was having financial difficulties raising a few kids on her own.

The problem was too much for her to handle on her own and she leaned on my ex-boss who provided support. The affair started from there. You can say that she was probably on the lookout for a man to provide her with both emotional and financial support. But when you have a few young kids to bring up and you want them to have a more secure future, you may just need to be selfish. Is that wrong? Perhaps. But is that evil? I think not.

Life is not always smooth for everyone and if you are not in that situation yourself, it is always easy to say what others should do. Of course, there are also many other women who have beaten the odds and survived all on their own, but again, not everyone can have the mental strength to do what is right at that point of time. If we all possess the same strength, then the world would be a very different place indeed.

The other woman that I happened to know belongs to my uncle. Being financially independent with her own small business as a tailor, most relatives don't really understand what she sees in my uncle as he was already married with a son when they met. But while she was the one who caused much unhappiness to his wife initially, she was also the one who helped them through financial difficulties each time. She had helped supported the education of his and his wife's son during those down times when she can simply choose not to care.

So, I do think that the other woman too has a heart. Not all are scheming, evil villains. Sometimes, it is just a cruel twist of fate or some other circumstances that force them to make that choice to be with a married man. It is wrong, but who am I to judge what is in their hearts and minds?

Being The Other Woman Blog

No, I'm not the other woman. Never have been and being married with a kid, I certainly don't need any emotional complications in my life. But I do know of a few people, close relatives included, who are in such a love triangle. My mother's brother has been having an affair with another woman for umpteen years while still remaining married. My ex-boss is also in the same situation. Hooked up with another woman and still remain married to his wife of nearly 30 years.

They have their stories to tell about why they cheated. But these other women also have their own tales about what made them latched on to a married man. No, I don't believe it is right for a woman to start a relationship with a married man and let it continue, but I can understand. Sometimes, circumstances are such that it is hard to be rational and decisive, which are necessary in order to take control of our lives and emotions.

No doubt people will always have excuses for their mistakes and actions, but I have learned not to judge the other women. I may not agree with the other women's actions, but I also do believe that in life there will always be shades of grey.

So, that's what this blog will be all about. Just to pen my thoughts about this topic from what I have observed from people around me and through what I have read online. It seems like a natural progression from writing a blog post about this topic in my other blog and starting a little forum on the same. Hopefully, my blog on being the other woman will provide insights into how to deal with this issue from an outsider's point of view.